Giant Hipster Beard Vs. Having a personality / by Dan Mayer

I've been told that it's cheap and easy to pick on hipsters. Sadly, I am cheap and easy. Also, whenever I see some hugely bearded clod waddling down the street in suspenders and a feathered hat, I start wanting the zombies to win.

The thing is, I think a lot of these dudes are just sort of sad and insecure and feel a deep, socially reinforced need to find something about themselves that might qualify as distinctive. It's depressing that a really long beard is the best they can come up with. It's not their fault, entirely. Confronted with the world as it is, it's not insane to redirect one's focus toward perfecting a highly crafted, nonsensical, shit-ass wannabe Jules Verne character appearance. Irony is a trap that many of us fall into when we're adolescents, and not everyone has the spirit and desire to break free of its grasp. For these lost souls, the ironic style drifts toward the ironic life, which leads to an acute condition described as meta. How would you feel if you woke up one morning and found yourself committed to a life composed entirely of creating and processing references to the values and aesthetics of another era? Worse yet, how would you feel to know that you were emotionally unable to identify with the values and aesthetics of the era in which you actually lived?

So, here's a Handy List to help those bearded lip-suckers understand how beautiful they really are, just for being human, and how catastrophically lame they look with the beard and/or curated mustache. Please pass it along to anyone you might know who has a related problem.

Oh, and if they refuse to listen, feel free to snatch that ukulele out of their soft little hands and cram it up their ass.